#APostADay Day 4 – Choice!, LOVE

**_“Over the others, over my pride

Over the faults/flaws, I have in my life

I Choose You, I Choose You, I Choose You”**_ – Ryan Leslie

The words above are from one on my favourite musicians. I was (don’t know if I still am) a firm believer in those words. To me, love is a choice, not an emotion. A choice to Live Over Vain Entanglements…a choice to Let Others Voluntarily Evolve. A choice!

Live Over Vain Entanglements

I loved someone, when I was much younger. Not the teenage, hormone-driven kind. Even then, I consciously decided each day to love her. What happened to our love? Vanity? Or is it…

I was aloof to my surroundings then. I still am most times. Constantly in pursuit of ideas in my head. Not like every other kid.

I asked her to be official, on her 15th birthday. I was 16 and had finished my Secondary School exams and was awaiting admission. She accepted and within six months I was off to school.

In school, we kept in touch. Calls, texts, IM. Till I became absorbed. My first semester in school was one of my worst ever. Academically, I was ripped. Failed? a Maths Course (Algebra & Trigonometry) got a couple E’s in the other Maths course (Calculus)and Chemistry. Was this the welcome Varsity had for me?

So aloof I was to my relationship, and naïve of the teenage evolution of a female. I didn’t pay attention to sexual hormones, because “the greatest energy in the physical world is sexual energy. And a man who can subdue it and transfer it to more productive fields conquers the world”. That’s paraphrasing a conclusion my dad and I came to after a discussion on sex.

My girlfriend was in an all-girls school. She learnt a lot from friends and explored a bit (I knew this after we split). Of course, most young guys try to explore. I didn’t. Had more important issues to deal with. What of peer pressure? I didn’t have friends who had that power over me…or I didn’t have friends at all.

Then it happened, she told me she was raped. I was overwhelmed. I find my escape in work and so I sunk myself into it. I didn’t know how to react, what will I know? With no experience.

We didn’t really get to see, until my 2nd year. She came around to school, having graduated from Secondary School. We spent time together, and finally got to talk about sex: the rape in particular. We got emotional and she said she wanted us to consummate our love. I said I’d think about it.

I did, we attempted it unsuccessfully, and then I realised myself getting consumed by thoughts of it. Could I handle the pressure? I decided no. And so, I broke up with her.

Afterwards we talked about it: I asked lotsa questions and she revealed a lot more. Overwhelming me with info of what went on while we were in a ‘distant/aloof’ relationship. I almost never looked at myself as responsible then. I blamed her for her choices, even judged her by my standards. Silently.

In recent years though, I’ve come to realise that my development was not like every body elses. I’m learning the importance of communication, of being present and involved.

As regards relationships, still haven’t figured that out yet.

Hopefully, I’m now Living Over my Vain Entanglements: my pride, my work, my standards, my selfishness etc.

Want me to write on the other? Comment below.

@Saatah wrote on It’s NOT just Twitter today.